May 3, 2014 was supposed
to be my wedding day. I was going to marry the man who had stood by my side for
the past 9 years. However, somewhere around the beginning of 2014, I knew I
couldn't do it. We never had an official “engagement”, but we did have that
date set in both of our minds. He had the ring and all he needed from me was an
official “yes”. I put him off for months because I knew it was coming, I told
him I needed time. Truth is, I knew my decision. I knew where my heart was. I
just never wanted to admit it to myself or to him. He had stood by my side for
9 years, how was I going to let him down? We owed it to ourselves and to our
relationship. We owed it to our families. We owed it to everyone who was
cheering for us. I owed it to the 19 year old who gave up everything to stay
with him. I just couldn't do it. The night we broke up, when he had the ring in
his pocket and said “so do you want to see it”, I simply said “no”. I said no
to the ring he knew I had always wanted and the life I thought I wanted.
That man would have
done anything for me. I was his life. I was “the one”, and what hurts me more
than anything is that I couldn't say the same thing about him. I tried so hard
to change my mind. I tried so hard to change my heart. I couldn't. I lost a
great love, but I also lost a great friend. 2 months after our break up, I
finally cried. I mourned it like a death. It’s like he is dead, and I can’t
bring him back. I truly miss him. I always will. I mourn the girl who loved him
because I can’t bring her back either.
In the midst of all
this chaos, that girl grew up. She completely fell in love with her best friend
of 10 years. He was the one who was always in the back of her mind for all of
those years. It’s why she couldn't give her heart away completely. He already
had it. Thankfully, he was in love with her too. For the first time in their
lives, they were in the same place at the same time.
This is my life now. I
am completely in love with my best friend in the entire world. It may be a new
relationship, but it’s not a new love. It’s still a lot to process. My whole
world has been rocked in the past few months. I’m just now starting to feel the
effects. This is where the blog comes in. I finally have freedom to write. I
can write what’s on my heart. I can write about what it’s like to have the love
of your life many miles away from you. To the people in long distance
relationships, I feel your pain. It’s hard. Extremely hard. I miss him every
second of every day, and I can’t wait until we can be together every day.
And just because I can't get enough of this song...
