Lately, I have been very unhappy with just about every aspect in my life. June hasn't been a good month for me at all. The stress with my mom's illness, stress at work, stress in my love life, stress with school, etc. has gotten the best of me. I've suffered from anxiety issues ever since high school which means I've dealt with this for a decade now. It will go away for awhile, but then it will come back. When my grandfather died unexpectedly in 2006, it came back with a vengeance. He's the only father figure I've ever had because I only saw my father a handful of times before he died when I was 7. He was never in my life. I don't even remember what the man looked like. So when my grandfather passed away, I was just numb. That was probably the worst time of my life. Now, that my mom has been sick, I get really scared. She's the only family I have left. My anxiety has returned. Put that on top of everything else I'm dealing with, I'm just numb again, and I feel like I have nowhere to turn. I'm not happy at all. Yes, I have a great job, a boyfriend, a nice place to live, and so many things going for me, but I'm 26 and this is not how I imagined life would be at 26. Married or not married, that doesn't matter. Marriage and babies do no equal happiness. You have to be content with yourself first. I feel like I'm just existing, and that I'm not really living.
I've become angry, jealous, and bitter lately. Three traits that I hate more than anything. I see so many people getting married and having babies, and I ask God why? Why can't that be me? What have I done? What am I missing? Growing up, I always imagined getting married at a young age and at least having a child or two by now. I thought that was the normal. I thought that's what you're supposed to do. That's your purpose in life. Now I'm 26 and thinking, will that ever be? Will I ever get married? Will I ever be a mom? I know I'm still young, and I still have so much life left to live, but I still wonder these things. My best friend that I grew up with just celebrated her 5th wedding anniversary. Another good friend will be celebrating her 5th anniversary in a few weeks. I'm so incredibly happy for them, and I'm happy that they're happy. But again I wonder, why God? What did I do? Why can't that be me? I love my career, and I have such big career goals, but my number one dream is to be a wife and mother. I want that more than anything else. I feel like I've been angry with God for the past few weeks. Why is my mom having to go through this? Why do I feel so unhappy? What do I need to do? Why can't I achieve my dreams? I feel like I need so many answers, and I have none. Ultimately, I have no idea where to go from here. More than anything, I just want to be happy again. Once again I say, I'm blessed with so many things in my life, but I can't help that I feel this way.
To all of you who have encouraged me to publish this post, thank you. I don't think I could have done it without you. If you're new to my blog, I promise I'm not always like this. However, this is my blog, and I have to keep it real on here. If you've seen my depressing tweets on Twitter, I'm sorry. There are times I feel like I don't know who to talk to. I don't like bothering people with my problems. There's more to my story, but I don't want to put anyone on blast. If you have questions, please feel free to ask, and I will respond back. I would just prefer to do it privately.
9 comments:
Oh, you precious lady. I'm SO sorry you are going through a rough patch.
I've been in your shoes before. I felt like everyone around me was getting all of things I wanted out of life. It's a tough spot to find yourself in, and it's a tough spot to pull yourself out of. I know you'll get there in time, though. You shared some wonderful quotes in this post - quotes I'd never heard before but have written down and tucked away for my next rainy day (because we've all got a rainy day coming!). I'd like to share a quote with you that helps me get through difficult times: "Don't let comparison steal your joy." It's easy for us to get caught up in comparing ourselves to the people around us. I struggle with this one big time... I compare my husband to other husbands, my marriage to other marriages. And I always come up short because I'm comparing their good parts to my bad parts. Rest assure that the people you admire have their rough times, too. Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done...I know what it's like to want nothing more than to be a wife. I also know what it's like to wish I could be single and selfish some days. So, again...don't let comparison steal your joy. It's okay to be unhappy...just try not to lose your inner joy, that light that makes you shine. :)
I hate it for you, because these situations are usually things we just have to ride out. But, I'm here if you want to talk some more.
Proud of you for being so honest! I'm sure there are MANY people who can relate to you!
Oh Cori, I am so sorry you are struggling with all of this right now. Anxiety is a horrible creature and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, none the less a sweet girl like you! I have such a hard time seeing people on Facebook getting jobs and engaged (two things I am coveting horribly right now), and regardless of how happy you are for them, it is still frustrating. I love that you still recognize how blessed you are, even if you can't feel it. That is your positivity shining through! Thank you for being so honest with what you are going through - it takes a lot of courage.
I know all of these feelings and concerns so well. I have some of the same anxieties. I just remind myself that despite my best efforts to plan my life, God has something else in mind for me. And, so far, it's worked out better than anything I could have planned.
Like you, I want to be a wife and mother someday. I've finally come to terms that I might not ever get the wife part, but I can still become a mother, and so I've started plotting my Plan B. :)
I am so sorry for everything that you're going through lately! I can relate to so many of the things that you mentioned in this post and it breaks my heart that you're feeling this way. I am always, always here to talk if you need me. E-mail me any time! :)
I think it's SO SO normal for us to go through periods where we feel like this, so don't feel alone. Just try to remember that your purpose in life is to glorify God...that and that alone. All the other stuff is merely details in the long run.
I truly feel for you, Cori. I have been missing your frequent posts, but you must take care of yourself first. I'm glad that you felt honest to share your thoughts with us because those are all issues that we all struggle with. I'm not saying I understand the exact place that you are in, but I know how you feel and I, too, suffer from anxiety. I know how awful life can be from anxiety. Keep your chin up. Things will turn around :)
Chelsea
this post hurts my heart. i think it is normal for everyone to go through tough times like this, but that doesn't make it any easier. try to keep a positive outlook and think of things you enjoy. take time for yourself and do what will relax you and bring you joy. and pray through it all. email me if you need a friend!
I'm so sorry you're feeling down right now. I know what you mean about anxiety, especially about your mom. If you ever want to talk, you can always email me. I know it took a lot of courage to publish this and I'm so proud of you for doing so. Always thinking of you. Many hugs!
YOU ARE AMAZING! Don't ever feel like you haven't accomplished anything. Whether you are a wife and a mom at this point in your life or not, you have done so much that you should be so proud of! Everything happens in God's own perfect timing. I am not one to throw the religion thing around alot, but since you mentioned it a little, I thought I would too. He has a plan for you and you just have to know that! You are so sweet and inspiring and I don't ever think for a minute when I read your tweets that you are being a downer or negative. We all need an outlet and you know that I am always here. We email about crazy stuff like Teen Mom and other trashy shows, so just know that I can and will be here to listen to the not so fun things too. I think you are an awesome person, Cori and I don't want you to ever think you aren't. Just be patient and know that its gonna happen for you when its right. Thinking of you always!
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